No amount of preparedness could have made me feel ready about this past year. I was someone who was willing to move away for years but knew she needed time to grow, to learn, to love, to harden, to heal, and did all of that before packing up parts of her life to study abroad. The last year has felt like the longest and the shortest year for me. Above anything, I got to learn so much about myself. I recognise my patterns, know what hurts me, what angers me, what brings me joy, what I yearn for, and what I am grateful for. Surely, what was built for me for 24 years, was not shoved away in an instance and been replaced by who I am now. I think, this is a part of living - this realization that one will continue to learn about oneself as we move.

This year was a first for many of my firsts and I have earned so much more to grateful for in this time. That is a blessing. I still feel that I have a lot to heal from and a lot to heal for and my only pursuit for the time being will be that. I want to share some of my reflections here in this note.

  1. Distance is real. As intangible as it seems, the physical distance, the time difference, it catches up with you. I still can’t keep up with it, but I feel it strikingly whenever I think of home, of my people. I always feel far away, the feeling hasn’t gone away yet.
  2. I am not disciplined. I was shaped to be obedient, to comply and I thought that was discipline. I am relearning what discipline means and redefining it again - this time for myself.
  3. Every day that I wake up, I learn a little about my body and about myself beyond my body and it's something very personal. I am still learning and I think it will always be a process.
  4. Some days, it can take a lot of energy to just roll out of bed, move and do things. Even the bare minimum can sometimes feels like moving mountains. We must be gentle with ourselves. We need to take each day as it comes.
  5. The definition of happiness and success is different for everyone. Your next milestone or dream might be something someone already has but that doesn’t mean you are lagging behind. This is not a race with others.
  6. If you miss your someone, let them know.
  7. You can not yearn for a change by staying stuck in an old pattern.